when i walk out the door, leave my house for a few hours, i carry with me a multitude of items. Nothing left behind.

I can’t bear to part with much, what if i need them. what if im stuck somewhere in total isolation with my own thoughts.

we cannot have that. I bring with me my headphones. they are never forgotten, to the point they’ve become stuck in the extended position, which is ever so slightly too big for my head.

i bring with me m y ipad, even if it is dead. i typically never use it, but what if.

i carry around in my tote bag a large sketchbook, and in the small front pocket, a mechanical graphing pencil and a few fine liners in various sizes. what if i need them. what if i want TO USE a .8 rather than a .05?

i carry with me a pair of black sunglasses, even when its grey. I fear my forehead has permanent creases where my brows furrow, as i squint often. this is a habit i am attempting to rid of by wearing my sunglasses.

recently, i carry with me my new knife(reference). my old pocketknife -— which was green and slate army digital camo, with three silver bullets on the hilt — was purchased a few years back at a farmers’ market that took place in an elementary school in rexburg, idaho. It has served me well, but i recently gave up on it, as my attempts to sharpen it using the bottom edge of a ceramic mug were futile, and i refuse to purchase a dedicated knife sharpenER. not to mention, the locking mechanism of the blade came undONE, causing it to remain loose and flimsy when flung open.

while this could probably be fixed, it seemed too much work, as the screws required a small, oddly shaped screwdriver to fix the skewed mechanism. i simply decided i’d rather go buy a new one. this one held too much power anyway.

my new knife is small and sleek compared to ITS predecessor, buts its edge brutely sharp. i now carry her with me, holding a weight in my pocket i forget is EVEN there.

all this to say, if you are chronicALLY ALONE AS I AM; IT IS GOOD TO CARRY SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE, THOUGH SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME FEEL UNSAFE.

—

TODAY WAS A LONESOME DAY. I DIDN’T QUITE FEEL AS LONELY AS I DO AT TIMES, BUT WHO KNOWS, ITS ONLY 6:29 PM (mst).

I SPENT MAJORITY OF MY DAY IN MY ROOM. I PLAYED MINECRAFT AND WATCHED YOUTUBE, SITTING ON THIS MISERABLE STOOL THAT TORTURES MY BACK. ITS OKAY I NEED THE DISTRACTION. I DID ORDER A CHAIR THAT WAS STUPIDLY EXPENSIVE THOUGH, AND THAT SHOULD BE WELL. I BROWSED PINTEREST and shopped ONLINE FOR SHOES. AS IF I NEED ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES. MY ROOM IS A WRECK, BUT I COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO CLEAN IT TODAY. A PROBLEM FOR FUTURE ME TO FACE WHEN SHE HAS MUSTERED SOME OUNCE OF MOTIVATION. SOMETIMES I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT. I FEAR THE PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG. I KNOW ITS PUBLIC AND IM OKAY WITH THAT. WHEN I TALK ABOUT IT WITH OTHERS THOUGH, IT MAKES ME UNEASY. IT’S MADE FOR THE INTERNET, NOT FACE TO FACE. NO MATTER. IT’S A NEW YEAR AND I AM ATTEMPTING TO ADOPT A NEW MINDSET. LET THEM, LET ME. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE WITHOUT FEAR OR ANXIETY. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD OVERCOME A LOT OF THE ANXIETY IN MY LIFE, HOWEVER IT SEEMS TO HAVE JUST SHIFTED. NO MATTER. ILL GET OVER IT EVENTUALLY.

(happy place)