05/14/26 (uploaded 05/26/26)
in an attempt to prove something to nobody but myself, i went on an in depth side quest and came up empty.
05/22/2026 (uploaded AND EDITED 05/26/26)
THE BEAUTY I FIND IN UNFORESEEN PLACES NEVER SEEMS TO FIND ME IN MY DAY-TO-DAY.
I COULDN’T DECIDE ON A NAME, AS IF THE DIFFERENTIATION IS SIGNIFICANTLY IMPACTED BY THE CHOICE. THE CANAL MOVES QUICKLY, ITS GREEN MURKY WATER SPLASHING UPON THE FLIGHT OF A MALLARD, SPOOKED BY THE BIG HEADED CREATURE WHOSE LARGE PAWS FOUND THEIR WAY CLUMSILY CLUMPING TOWARDS IT.
THE COOL DANGLING METAL ONLY EXACERBATES MY RUNNY NOSE, AND THE BRISK BREEZE DOES ME NO FAVORS. IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP WARM, I HOLD MY ARMS TOGETHER, TUCKED IN TIGHTLY TO MY TORSO. MY SHINS ITCH FROM THE SHARP WIND , AS MY SOCKS HAVE SLIPPED DOWN BENEATH MY HEELS IN A SENSORY HELL, LEAVING THEM BARE. i’VE ALREADY STOPPED TOO MANY TIMES TO FIX THEM AGAIN.
BECAUSE YES, DESPITE THE COMPLETE LACK OF WALKERS ON THE TRAIL — NO DOUBT DUE TO THE UNFAVORABLE WEATHER — I AM STILL CHAINED BY THEIR HYPOTHETICAL OPINIONS OF ME.
WITHOUT MY HEADPHONES TO PREOCCUPY MY THOUGHTS, I TAKE NOTE OF THE SENSATIONS AS THEY ARISE. THE DULL, CONSISTENT HUM OF THE POWER LINES OVER HEAD; THE MUCUS TEASING TO ESCAPE MY NOSE, AND THE LACK OF OLFACTORY IT CAUSES.
WHILE MY PREFERRED OUTDOOR WEATHER CHOSE NOT TO GRACE US TODAY, THE DOG STILL NEEDS TO BE WALKED. OH HOW I REVEL IN THE SNOWFALL OF THE SPRING, WITH ITS WHITE WISPS DANCING AGAINST GRAVITY IN A MOCKING MANOR. THESE WHIMSICAL FLURRIES NEVER DID ME ANY HARM UNTIL I MOVED TO UTAH. I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ALLERGIES HERE THAT I’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED IN MY 20 YEARS GROWING UP IN WASHINGTON. IT IS A SENSORY NIGHTMARE AND I WONT FORGIVE UTAH FOR THIS.
posted 5/17
written 4/20
my roots are grown out and my hair is fried, unruly and unkept.
honestly im too preoccupied creating a vibe to even care.
everything is curated and cautiously careless. effortless even.
baja blast second night in a row (5/17 edit- these have become part of my regular, limited diet now, which is something. i’m even drinking one as i type this.) maybe my teeth will rot. maybe i’ll become an insomniac.
can people like stop saving my post on pinterest it’s getting really annoying being famous.
my bad art is also getting a lot of saves, like these people clearly have no taste. i posted this years ago. i think i will post on pinterest again. maybe, but all i do is take selfies of myself and my fried hair.
nobody wants to email me anymore apparently which is blatantly disrespectful and gross, i am practically begging on the internet for your attention like cant you just pity me and send me a damn email?
my black and white radicalism has made me too stiff and boring, like where did her whimsy go.
but like i do want some vertically striped pants
I’ve been so self-involved lately that i have noth9jing of significance to write about, just the mundane routines of my sad little life.
i wrote an essay on the usage of the word “retard” (word used only for context/informatively). i do not want to share it but i wanted you to know i wrote it. in summary: don’t use the word, even if you are neurodivergent— coming from a stupidly neurodivergent person.
im booking a tattoo appointment, and the permanence is becoming overwhelmingly terrifying. to be fair, ive never cared much about permanent marks on my body, but something about getting a tattoo— as much as i want it— is horrifying. (5/17 edit- i got the tattoo, it’s fucking sick, i was so anxious during the appointment though the girl probably hated me. oh well, im trying not to care if people hate me)
04/25
and i live under the thumb of your experimental condescension,
where radio silence is met with unrequited attention
riddle the thought of your ill-conceived affection
livable injustice; rooted in agonizing joint pseudo intrigue
04/20
id consider myself an equal opportunity hater and pessimist
most things cause aggravation or despise
not sure i feel confident enough to be happy; positive.
deteriorating senses and increased awareness
an innate sense of self, plundered by mistakes made over and over again
we are a carousel, horses chasing one another, yet distance remains constant
i could never reach you.
lets play the same game once more, no unspoken rules this time
throw caution to the wind and give it your best; caring is never embarrassing
and it hurts me to see
lack of authenticity
writhing with painful agony.
what do you think, do you ever stop thinking? I’d give it all just to know. dark, bitter and sweet tugs the sore in your mouth that won’t stay away. you keep eating, devouring, pouring all you can into distraction and dissatisfaction.
someday i’d like to go there too, watch it all burn into a pile of lust at my feet, the pain distinguished as deprivation or desire
because distance makes comfort when its a choice, but the choice has never been my own. it wrinkles and withers, waning with amendments i’ve never known.
what do you know? you’ve never worn such desperation and despise on your skin, wrapped in the cold embrace of your own fatality
writhing with agony as your strings are played by brutal perceptions, imagined upset and egocentric ideals.
when i walk out the door, leave my house for a few hours, i carry with me a multitude of items. Nothing left behind.
I can’t bear to part with much, what if i need them. what if im stuck somewhere in total isolation with my own thoughts.
we cannot have that. I bring with me my headphones. they are never forgotten, to the point they’ve become stuck in the extended position, which is ever so slightly too big for my head.
i bring with me m y ipad, even if it is dead. i typically never use it, but what if.
i carry around in my tote bag a large sketchbook, and in the small front pocket, a mechanical graphing pencil and a few fine liners in various sizes. what if i need them. what if i want TO USE a .8 rather than a .05?
i carry with me a pair of black sunglasses, even when its grey. I fear my forehead has permanent creases where my brows furrow, as i squint often. this is a habit i am attempting to rid of by wearing my sunglasses.
recently, i carry with me my new knife(reference). my old pocketknife -— which was green and slate army digital camo, with three silver bullets on the hilt — was purchased a few years back at a farmers’ market that took place in an elementary school in rexburg, idaho. It has served me well, but i recently gave up on it, as my attempts to sharpen it using the bottom edge of a ceramic mug were futile, and i refuse to purchase a dedicated knife sharpenER. not to mention, the locking mechanism of the blade came undONE, causing it to remain loose and flimsy when flung open.
while this could probably be fixed, it seemed too much work, as the screws required a small, oddly shaped screwdriver to fix the skewed mechanism. i simply decided i’d rather go buy a new one. this one held too much power anyway.
my new knife is small and sleek compared to ITS predecessor, buts its edge brutely sharp. i now carry her with me, holding a weight in my pocket i forget is EVEN there.
all this to say, if you are chronicALLY ALONE AS I AM; IT IS GOOD TO CARRY SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE, THOUGH SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME FEEL UNSAFE.
—
TODAY WAS A LONESOME DAY. I DIDN’T QUITE FEEL AS LONELY AS I DO AT TIMES, BUT WHO KNOWS, ITS ONLY 6:29 PM (mst).
I SPENT MAJORITY OF MY DAY IN MY ROOM. I PLAYED MINECRAFT AND WATCHED YOUTUBE, SITTING ON THIS MISERABLE STOOL THAT TORTURES MY BACK. ITS OKAY I NEED THE DISTRACTION. I DID ORDER A CHAIR THAT WAS STUPIDLY EXPENSIVE THOUGH, AND THAT SHOULD BE WELL. I BROWSED PINTEREST and shopped ONLINE FOR SHOES. AS IF I NEED ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES. MY ROOM IS A WRECK, BUT I COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO CLEAN IT TODAY. A PROBLEM FOR FUTURE ME TO FACE WHEN SHE HAS MUSTERED SOME OUNCE OF MOTIVATION. SOMETIMES I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT. I FEAR THE PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG. I KNOW ITS PUBLIC AND IM OKAY WITH THAT. WHEN I TALK ABOUT IT WITH OTHERS THOUGH, IT MAKES ME UNEASY. IT’S MADE FOR THE INTERNET, NOT FACE TO FACE. NO MATTER. IT’S A NEW YEAR AND I AM ATTEMPTING TO ADOPT A NEW MINDSET. LET THEM, LET ME. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE WITHOUT FEAR OR ANXIETY. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD OVERCOME A LOT OF THE ANXIETY IN MY LIFE, HOWEVER IT SEEMS TO HAVE JUST SHIFTED. NO MATTER. ILL GET OVER IT EVENTUALLY.
(happy place)
December 19th, 2025
DESIRE.
ITS A PAINFUL THING.
TO WANT SOMETHING YOU CANNOT FIND A WAY TO HAVE
TO WANT IT SO BADLY A PIT FORMS IN YOUR STOMACH
TO MAKE A CHANGE IS TOO HARD
DO THE SAME DO THE SAME
HOPE IT WILL TURN OUT OKAY.
choosing peace
or at least that’s what i think it is.
can’t be too sure anymore, but i want something different for myself
another year another painful attempt at functionality
things stay the same
choosing peace
or at least that’s what i think it is.
can’t be too sure anymore, but i want something different for myself
another year another painful attempt at functionality
things stay the same
what is funqsi.com?
every time i tell people i have a blog, they ask me what its about. i tell them its about nothing. that i just write whatever i feel like.
if you asked me what my blog was about
and i said “nothing”
than you should know
that i don’t take kindly to judgement
you can look at it yourself, i wont deny that of you
but i rather not be there when you do
my archive is vulnerable; an outward personification of myself
and that scares me.
11/07/2025
Belled sleeves hug striped wrists in a warm embrace
an eye,a twitch; given which blame
too clean
too bright
too safe
too mean
are you really that upset
I take up so much space
a booth otherwise empty
clinging
and grasping
an apple held tenderly to the sky
Tusk and tail
Tightly wound by his fond knuckles
Peeled
picked
pried and pruned
penalty
penalty
penalty
10/29/2025
The paint thinner i
Left in the mug on my
Desk left unyielding betrayal
Noxious unkept
You know it’s never good at the start
Maybe its only good at the start
Tear my paintings apart
your distance arrives before departure
subtly is blatant when
you always expect it
the object of obsession
the one you never mention
blocked out the teachers lesson
learned nothing in the process
——
i dress up to
sit in my room; for hours on end
alone in my room
i dress up to
drive around
by myself
in the dark
i dress up to
go for a walk
to get the mail
a brisk breeze
guiding my feet
and im still not tall enough
——-
do you know what it is
to believe
to put your face in the pillow and count the seconds
breathe in and curse yourself
to say a prayer to a god you’d like to believe in
the bottom of a ceramic mug is a useful tool
for a girl whose facade knows no bounds
like that of a writhing worm.
to believe
in a future where change comes from desire
when will isn’t enough
10/08/2025
Seek to understand
Men with their sandpaper hands
It’s what it is
To never be known
To be irrevocably alone
Penciled in preferences;
A readiness to expire from
One’s preemptive insolent assumptions
To piggyback on my infantry
Swallowed by your indecency
09/26/2025
I see it now
a blaze of
heightening hypocrisy
picking at the hairs
one by one
the balance shifts in your favor
the blindfold come undone
at a tipping point of rage and readiness
you succumb to male predisposition
nothing more
nothing less
than what you were destined to be
a frame, the day would come
to hang you up on the wall
leaning slightly to the left
a picture of promiscuity’s pinnacle
painted oil on water muddied
apples and oranges
but you’re too tall to tie my shoes
and i trip oh so often
teeth bared from soft jaw
soft lip and sharp claw
revelation thirty four
found it again
once more
7/29
Today has been so long, my back hurts, my head hurts, and my social battery is drained. I still have 3 hours left though. I guess it could be worse. I’m just tired. Whether or not I stick it out is up for debate. Typically that’s not a problem, I understand the importance of staying at work, however I have been so emotional and exhausted lately, and its only my lunch break. People are exhausting and stupid. I didn’t get to write much, but now its time for me to return. I will try to write more tonight. Unless I play Pokémon.