5/28 (happy birthday momma)
i would like to acknowledge that i am typing this directly on to my website. usually i type my thoughts into google docs first, then copy paste and make adjustments as needed. but we are diving straight in i guess.
today i did not do much. i feel bad for mila, my dog, as she was stuck with me doing nothing all day. i watched lilo and stitch, because it is good. and i refuse to go see the new live action remake. why we need to recreate perfectly good movies is beyond me. personally i think we need to scrap cgi altogether and go back to traditional animation. animation is just capable of so much more than cgi live action movies.
i often think about how princess and the frog was the last 2d princess movie. it makes me sad. they should make more. princess and the frog is such a good movie. i do however enjoy that my favorite princess movie—brave— is animated in 3d. it just works well. i love the music from that movie. i think i will listen to it now.
it is curious how i have become to accustomed to the train horn at night. i hardly even noticed it was there. but i miss the quiet. utah sounds very different than washington ever did. when i laid in bed at night back home, i could hear the occasional engine revving, but i was mostly greeted with the soft rustling of leaves in the wind. a white noise. how i miss those trees. i welcomed those trees. now all i hear are cars darting past on the nearby street, planes overhead, and train horns barreling through.
summer is approaching, and im learning what that looks like here. there are much more bugs here. my room gets incredibly hot, while downstairs remains cool. almost cold, even. i have to crack my window at night, significantly increasing those awful noises.
i am on the third song of the brave soundtrack, and i will turn it off once its finished. the first three are the ones i enjoy anyway.
my elbow is stiff, a feeling i have grown to despise. it is such a discomfort. i dont know why it happens. but i do know i need to see a doctor for my ongoing joint problems. knees, knuckles, elbows, wrists. yeah i feel old at 21.
i love my mom. im so happy she is here. i’ve grown closer to her since moving away from her. i miss her hugs, and i cherish the time we get to spend together. i think she is my favorite person, even tho we butt heads.
5/27
I want the one i cant have. And im convinced they want me back. But some outside force is keeping us apart. This is a delusion. Illusions i have conjured in my mind.
An elaborate scheme i’ve plotted against myself
A spark of hope ignited in a rainstorm.
A desperate grasp at a elusive straws
Inflated sense of self on high
I want the one i can’t have.
Leave me alone. I cannot do this anymore.
I open the fridge and there is nothing to eat. I close the fridge. I linger in the kitchen, hesitant to leave. I am hungry. Would you expect something tolerable will appear when you open it again? I open the door with high hopes. Nothing has changed. I close the door.
I turn my back to the refrigerator, dragging myself away. Grabbing my keys from the counter I hesitate, lingering in the doorway before
I walk away. I leave you behind.
I think ill go to the grocery store instead.
5/25
and suddenly im typing on my laptop, only the clacking of the keys and the humming of the fans to be heard. and in a moment im suddenly conscious of every mistake i’ve ever made. lyrics acquire new and profound meaning when the sun appears. new people arrive and old feelings arise. oat milk lattes and chevrolets. japanese denim and dyed hair. martial arts and sake. photographs taken more than once. turned into a different kind of love. pretentious vegetarian and screamo band. a four hour feature anniversary. i had a dream about moths once. i googled what it meant. i decided i was destined to trust my intuition. and thus i did. and i was correct. i always have been when it comes to these things. i do not trust a man to behave as he should. there were moths on my wall. a long list of moths on my wall.
what i want my art to be about
anger
im angry most of the time
about
loneliness
men
lack of creativity
lack of passion
confusion
lack of motivation
isolation
anger
rage
if i shot myself in the head i wouldnt die pretty, but its the most painless way to die. i guess even in death, beauty is pain.
scenic artillery archives
when i wasnt ok.
god when god was good___7/17/24__
click here to skip the video___3/23/24__
5/25
Today i started my period. What a miserable thing to be a women. I wont dive into my feminist ideals, but i think we can all agree periods are the worst. I took a bath to relieve my cramps as my ibuprofen kicked in; it didnt help, and neither did the ibuprofen. I laid by the floor vent in nothing but my towel as it wafted in cool air. I was dripping sweat and felt quite faint. It eventually went away, but in that moment i felt like death. I laid in bed most of the day, watching pokemon horizons.
I am no film critic. I enjoy most movies in fact, but of course some more than others. I must also say that i dont think baseball is very entertaining. So you’d be right to assume that i am more than unenthusiastic to be watching The Sandlot for movie night tonight, though i’ve never seen it.
Today i left my phone at home when i went out to the grocery store with my mom. Ive never done that before. It felt nice. Not tethered to a device that i check over and over for something to appear. I didn’t mean to. But i realized when i sat down in the drivers seat. I sighed, and decided it was okay to leave it. I need to do this in other aspects of myself.
Ive missed 10:17 by a minute. This is not the first time. I am slightly annoyed, but i think ill be alright. Its not something that would push me over the edge. Over using a word you obviously just learned pushes me over the edge.
–
a girl with a scythe
Or a long range weapon
A ruffled dress with a sniper rifle.
One of those metal fences, twisted within itself.
Fields behind your perfect little suburban house
Pictures of nothing, capture emancipation of prudence.
5/24
when did parents stop watching their children? i understand that i have no idea what it is like to be a parent, however how can you let your child act and treat you like that?
had to explain to my dad what nepotism is.
im at dinner with my family. it is always an ordeal when it comes to my family. there are a lot of us and we are loud.
not to mention, my sister’s three kids are little demons. my patience only goes so far with these children. they are glued to screens, ipad kids. but i guess so am i, as im typing this on my phone at the head of our applebees table.
5/23
Existentialism. I had to google the meaning because i am never certain of myself when it comes to definitions. I hate to be wrong. It's embarrassing and makes me feel inferior. I am not dumb. How would one go about using the word existentialism in a sentence anyway? I guess you would use the word existential, drop the ism. I'm not sure, i feel like i'm having an existential crisis. Isn’t that absurd. I attempted a metaphor, but it was very shitty so i scrapped the idea all together. Oh god why do i always try to come up with some sort of shitty metaphor, allusion, or something that i think,
“Hey maybe the people will think im deep”
I am not deep. I am only surface level. Even to myself i am nothing but a silhouette. Constantly trying to shape myself into somebody else that people will look at and think is interesting. But i am not interesting. I do not do anything exciting. I do not take risks. I cant even text a boy i think is cute on instagram because i am afraid. I dont want to be known. But i want to be seen. I am never certain of myself. I lack the confidence i see so many others possess, and i envy them. I dont want to be seen i want to be known. its such an interesting dynamic. for the most part, i am unphased by the opinions of other. what they think of me has little impact on how i chose to live my life. that being said, i have come to find i am shallow in who i choose to be insecure around. it is often around those that i think have something i want that i start to over analyze the way i act.
—
today me and my sister drove from utah to idaho. it is very beautiful, but i miss the trees that once surrounded me in washington. the sun was setting as we drove through pocatello idaho, melting into the horizon as we sang along to Hotel Room Service. i took a panorama in attempts to capture said moment, however photos never seem to do the sky justice. plus panoramas dont work in the car as well as i feel they should. currently, i am sitting in her car alone. on our way to our sister’s house we have made a stop at ****’s. this is my sister’s boyfriend who she only gets to see on the weekends. id take that over what ive got right now.
regardless, im sitting in the car alone, back in a town where i tried many new things for the first time.
its been 2 years since i last attended school here, yet it feels like hardly any time has passed at all. the progress i have made feels insignificant in relation to the amount of time that has passed. i want to go home i guess. i dont really know what that means anymore though.
i want to go home.
a phrase that ive expressed many times, in many places. even places ive considered home. i dont quite understand what i mean when i say that. it often comes out when im curled up in a ball on my bed, regretting every choice ive ever made. its 10:17. my lucky time. if you knew me at all you would know this. im very obnoxious about it. i have been taking pictures and screenshots of it for the past three years.
my sister is being sexually harassed by an online stalker yet my mother rolls her eyes and scoffs when i mention sexism
5/21
my condolences. you seem to have lost your way. i open the fridge and look for something to eat. i close the door.
i wander about the kitchen as catch the breeze by slowdive plays on the tv. i open the fridge and once again, i look inside. i close the door.
i go about my day wondering what i will eat. what will satisfy me, if anything? i open the fridge and look inside. i close the door.
there is nothing to eat here, yet i continue to wait; wait for something to appear when i open the door once again. nothing has changed. i close the door.
5/20
I’d like to start out by acknowledging the fact that in an effort to begin this digital journal, blog, or whatever you may distinguish this format of writing as, I searched the drawers of my desk for my wireless mouse. Needless to say, I found it, however I did not find it in my drawers, or anywhere else I searched. The whole time, it had been sitting there on top of my desk, mocking me as I rummaged through papers and spools of ribbon. I am not surprised that I missed it, unmoved in its very obvious place where I had seen it countless times befores. My desk is a mess, it always is, and always will be. I am often oblivious to that which is right before me. I'm sure as many of you can relate, I have searched for my phone plenty of times as I held it in my hand. This is day one, I cannot ramble on about missed opportunities and discarded memories.
Why?
Why do I want to write a strange little blog? Rhetorical questions are corny, and so is breaking the fourth wall. Unless you are Ryan Reynolds. My point remains, what is the purpose of such a dated form of articulation? I havent written in google docs properly since high school, and I was never very good even then. It has been three years since I graduated, yet I feel unchanged. I know I have made progress in my life, but has it been significant enough for me to feel a sense of fulfillment and growth? I don’t think about that much. Only a little. It’s such a silly concept to me, learning to function like a normal human being at the age of 21. But I cannot live my life like this any longer. I have dragged my body along the floor for far too long, and it is time to pick myself up and use the feet I was given. Of course when I say all of this, I am speaking of my inability to do simple everyday tasks. I cannot make myself food, I cannot brush my teeth in the morning, I cannot do the dishes, and I cannot clean my house. Rather, I can do all of these things. I have a very healthy and able body that I am very grateful for. Sometimes. It is my mind that struggles to keep up. I am incapable of reminding myself that these are things I must do, or you could say the things which I need to do. I have struggled with my mental health for far too long. It is about time I make the effort to become better.
You see, my ADHD has become a crutch that I lean on, an excuse for my bad habits. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 19 years old, a month before my 20th birthday. After that, a lot of things about myself made sense. One of the reasons why I was never so good at school, and why I struggled to pay attention during basketball practice. My brain doesn’t quite work the same as my teachers who would scold me for drawing in class as they taught, despite it helping me to better comprehend the words they spoke. I feel as though I've gone off on a tangent, but it could all tie together. I want a sense of purpose outside of the trivial thoughts that seem to corrupt my mind lately. I wont bore you too much with the details of my romantic endevors, however they seem to take up the most space in my mind and body. It is unhealthy for me. I would ultimately like an outlet; a creative space to express these thoughts that I possess. I think that taking the time to sit down at a desk each day could be rather therapeutic. Maybe it will help you get to know me, and allow me to better understand myself.
My mind won't stop racing with millions of thoughts that I could type here for all to see, but for now, I'll call it a day.
