7/01
it is july first. time has flown by too quickly, it makes me nauseous. the sun decided not to grace us with its presence today, but to instead hide above the ceiling of clouds that cast a gray dull shadow over the valley for the first time in weeks. fortunately the weather has little to no effect on me during the weekdays, as i am banished to the office for 9 hours a day. in total i spend 5 extra hours a week at work that are unpaid, but thats because i get a lunch and free tms.
my day has consisted of sending voicemail after voicemail, until a call finally comes in or somebody picks up. so while im doing that, i try to write on my sticky notes. it has been difficult to get out coherent thoughts in between clicking 20 buttons for each voicemail, but last night i was able to form a somewhat interesting thought. on my way out, i tucked it into the small pocket of my purse and proceeded home. after my shower, i pulled the sticky note from my purse and added it to the growing pile that lives on the right side of my bed. however when I finally got around to pulling out my laptop and writing, I couldn’t find what had happened to the sticky note. I am disappointed, because I know my writing was decent and it had excited me.
6/28
Tuesday, what a great day to be alive. Of course today is saturday, so its not quite as great. Why tuesday, im not sure. I think tuesday is a great name. If i ever have a daughter ill name her tuesday. If i ever have a band ill name it tuesday as well. Is it so wrong, to have weird taste? All i want to do it write, to ponder the deeper meanings of life here in my hammock at Kiwanis park, but despite my best efforts to find shade, the sun still shines between the leaves and finds its way to my screen. Yes you read that right, i finally was able to successfully bring my hammock to the park, and it has been quite enjoyable. I often find joy in figuring things out by myself. A sense of fulfill if you will. There is no need to ask for help when you can google and youtube things now adays. Though i have found myself to be a bit uncomfortable on my hammock, trying to find the optimal position. I found that i prefer to sit sideways on it, as if its swinging chair.
I started TMS this past week, and therapy the other week as well, im not sure if i mentioned this already. But its been good, TMS gives me headaches at work, but i knew that’d be the case going into it. During my tms session yesterday, my tech had me write a thank you letter to myself, and I didnt get the chance to finish it before the end of my session. She asked if i wanted to take my journal home to finish my letter, but i politely declined, informing her of my super cool blog where I’d happily finish it. So Im going to do just that. Bare with me please.
A thank you letter to myself.
Thank you for relentlessly being you and not backing down when it comes to being yourself. Despite your insecurities you’ve never let anybody tell you who to be. Thank you for being the creative and artistic person that you are, and for creating so many cool things. Thank you for giving yourself grace even though you can be tough on yourself, you are learning that you can make mistakes.
I am back to writing, as the sun has hidden behind the clouds and I must take the opportunity to write about everything thats going through my brain. But it seems I am now drawing a blank, my once racing mind is now still when I need it the most. This is a common accurance i am not surprised. Whenever I need to recall information I never can, but when its not a necessity I can remember the wildest of things, craziest of facts. This isn’t quite a good example, but a memory that popped up that i thought was interesting. The last time i was in Idaho at my sisters house, we had gone quading around her neighbourhood, as its also a nature reserve, which is rather contradictory if you ask me. Regardless, we had been quading, me, my dad, my sister and her boyfriend. We had made it up to the river, so we parked and walked down to the rivers edge. We lingered for a bit, and on our way back to the quads my sisters boyfriend Corey had asked if anybody had a pocket knife on them. We all shook our heads, i mentioned i had one back at the house, but he said he did as well. He then mentioned to my dad that it was dull and he needed to sharpen it. I can’t remember what was said then, but I told them that you could sharpen a knife with the bottom edge of a ceramic mug. They both looked at me confused, and my dad replied, noting how odd that was that I just knew that. It doesn’t matter, I just know things. life experience i guess.
i can’t decide what it is that i want. the inner turmoil and conflict is eating me alive, like little flesh eating bugs gnawing at my brain. life gets hard when i realize there isnt much im living for. why do i get up and go to work if there is nothing for me to enjoy outside of work. why cant i just rot all day until im nothing but a carcass of rotten flesh. perhaps ill let myself sink into the bed, a permanent imprint pressed neatly into the mattress where ill remain until i am a soulless being. i dont understand what is wrong with me. why do i feel the way that i do. why dont i feel the things i should. the god i once believed in, that i still believe in, has all but abandoned me. ill hold on a little longer, linger for a bit. if i linger a little longer maybe something with make it worth while.
6/22
The time is 12:44 am. Ive been meaning to write, ive been wanting to. I just havent gotten around to it. Even now its taking more effort than id like to admit to pull out my laptop and talk about all the feelings id like to write about. I dont know if i have it inn me. The men i pass by in my car when the sun is out, or maybe the longing for butterflies, or any emotion at all. In an attempt to protect myself i may have turned myself numb. A fragile ego i cant bare to see challenged in any way shape or form. My bare skin pressed against cold linen finding refuge from the overbearing heat filling the room, creeping in long after the sun had set. a cracked window allows the brisk breeze to whirl in as it passes, sweeping the room before rushing out once again. the hum of the leaves dancing in the night rejuvenates my furrowed brow, and i am at peace. in this peace i find smudges of black and beige covering my once paper white pillow. in this peace i am embraced by the warmth of dimly lit stars that stretch across the length of my walls.
–
My laptop is absolutely and utterly terrible. What do you mean its been on since last night? That cannot be right, it makes absolutely no sense at all. Nothing seems to make sense anymore though. I enjoy my time alone. That is, when it is my choice. Most of the time, I dont get to choose. I am forced to be alone. Envy plagues my mind on the daily. I want what I dont possess. I find comfort in familiarity, as most do. But i dare not step outside my comfort zone. I replay songs i know i like on repeat, and i watch 6 season shows about 5 times all the way through.
Its so sunny outside, but im cold. The breeze comes and goes, but when its here i fear ill never be warm again.
6/15
Build a bear date
Thats what i want right now
Or an extremely cold cherry chilly willy slushie.
A group of college boys are playing baseball without their shirts on about 10 yards away
I was here first, why must they ruin my day
Partially shaved legs, hairy knees
I dont care let them see, its all natural anyway
Your knees are bruised
I wonder where they came from
Your eye twitched when i couldn’t stay
Sunglasses that are too smudged to wear and sweat dripping as you stare
Flinched from a fly, but i watch the moth
This time when i woke up in the early hours of the morning, it was thanks to another dream about moths, but i couldn’t tell you the details
Just more moths in my mind
Over and over i treat myself, no self control
I have to take care of my well being
I cant see my screen anymore
The glare has become overwhelming,
But i was here first
6/14
Lace and wires
Hang low
past your striped pillow case
Tattered sheets
Where you shake
How can i
Say its so
Dont you know
Where you hang
Lace and wires
Tattered bows
Pieced together by
Tender hands
calloused and rough
Black eyes pierce through
we’re composed
Two mosquito bites have found their home on my right ankle
They crept up on me, going unnoticed until they were at their worst
Most of the time, I dont even notice they’re there
But then my ankle glides across my duvet and im suddenly aware
Aware of the itch i long to scratch so badly
An itch that if i scratch, i wont be able to stop
If i cave ill never recover
But if i let it remain ill only suffer
Red swollen bumps that wont leave me be
A bad habit, a tendency
A desire that chips away at my mind
A person i cant leave behind
Two mosquito bites live on my right side
An itch from which i cannot hide
Because it isnt cool to care
An epidemic of nonchalant narcissism
It isnt cool to yearn or to want or to long
How do people write creative things
Im stuck in my ways unsure of how to escape
Invisible bugs crawl all over my skin,
Though i lay in bed and pretend nothing is wrong
Thinking of words to be said
Scraped knees on the mend
Skin breaks over and over till im exposed to the bone
Open wounds flinch and grind against rugged salt flats
Holding on for dear life
Never again to be alone
6/6
The first week of training is finally complete. A fly lands on my makeshift mousepad, the back of a sketchbook laying in the grass alongside me as i type. I made a goal this week, as my wonderful trainer Avery suggested. She suggested we all pratice the mindfulness we have our patients practice while they go through their tms treatments. My goal was to leave the house everyday after work for the next two weeks, and i think i can do it. It doesn’t seem like much, but for me it could be the difference between a mental breakdown and normalcy.
I am back at my park, the one i came to with mila, yet this time i am alone, just like i predicted. Xzsza apologies for my keyboard spam. As i was thinking about what to write, my iced coffee toppled over onto my keyboard, lathering it in sticky residue despite my best efforts. Before that unfortunate fiasco, i was going to mention how much i hate the sun. For the most part it is enjoyable, the warmth beaming down on your skin, but i hate the reflection is causes on my screen as i attempt to type. Why must it ruin this for me? I am trying to be good and enjoy the outdoors, yet due to the consequences of innovation and progress, i am just as attached to my devices as everyone else is. Ithis entire ordeal is simply miserable. Unfortunately and quite stupidlyt i chose to lay in the grass, rather than a picnic table. But i want to somewhat enjoy the sun, and the tables are outcast to covered awnings. So i have two choices. Lay on my stomach and type with two hands, or lay on my side and type with one. You would think it would be any easy choice, of course youd want to be able to use both of your hands. This is true yes, however my miserable spine hates me and i am cursed with sway back. Thanks hyper extension. Basically my lower back hurts tremendously in this position. But typing with one hand is another kind of misery that i dont think i could bare any longer. Stupid iced coffee. Stupid sway back. Stupid you. If you are reading this, dont worry, i know who you are. Its been years what are you doing here? If you do read this, and you know who you are, contact me. Im curious what it is you are looking for. If you dont, well then thats that.
Anyway, i wish to be more present in my senses, so i look up from my little world in my screen. A small bird darts around the park in glee, hovering just above the field of grass. I turn my head as a fly buzzes past my ear and am greeted with a picture of skinny hands reaching out across a blue abyss. My music goes quiet, and i hear a group singing happy birthday across the park. I cannot see them, but i know they are there. The worst part about writing in the park is the restraints they force me to leave. My phone is dying, and unfortunately that is my source of internet. Looking up towards the mountains, i can see bugs swarming just a few feet away. I should be grossed out by the little bugs crawling on my screen but i am not. Its actually quite beautiful being able to enjoy mans creation while embracing the nature all around me. Every little tickle i feel on my legs, my arms, and my back make me flinch, in fear of one of the tiny little creatures landing on me. But they are so interesting to admire from a short distance. I wonder if any bugs ended up in my iced coffee. I choose not to worry about that and drink it anyway. Whether or not i swallow a bug is not up to me. I feel as though this last week ive really been doing better. Ive limited some of my bad habits and it makes me feel good, but its difficult to eliminate those thoughts altogether. I need to go buy a hammock. I said i would and i have yet to. Well, im getting to the end of this page, and the sun is setting, so maybe its about time i wrap up.
6/5
Im not sure what i want to write about tonight, but i know i need to write something. It doesnt have to be long, just impactful. I dont always know what i want to say, and when i do, i usually dont know how to say it. This past week of training has been extremely exhausting. As soon as i turn off my lights, my eyes refuse to stay open. This weekend will provide me with much needed rest, not only for my body but my brain as well. My brain has been flooded with heaps of new information this week that i am trying my best to retain. Today felt good for the most part, but now i am overthinking the phone calls i took and i can’t be doing that. It really is not good for me to overthink so many little details of my day.
Despite being completely straight, i do not find most men attractive. I am very selective when it comes to physical attraction, and maybe that will be my downfall. It doesnt matter; im currently trying to stear clear of romantic relationships of any sort. I am trying to focus on myself, as im realizing that is what will make me feel better. I want to excel at my new job and i want to do TMS. i also want to get into talk therapy and see a psychiatrist. I thinik i would benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy.
My new job is actually enjoyable so far. Im sure ill eventually get sick of it, afterall im only on day five. But i do find it interesting and beneficial to work at a mental health center, as that is something i have personally struggled with for so long.
I wonder what people think of when they think of me. What stands out to them? How do they recognize me. What reminds them of me. Probably not much, as theres very few people who truly know me as a person. But what about my outward persona? What is it that strangers think of me when they see me?
I dont know. I will never know. And thats okay. Because it doesn’t even matter what they think. The only opinion that should matter to me, is mine. Call me selfish, narcissistic, egocentric, or self absorbed; like i said, your opinion shouldnt mean much to me. Ive cared what others think for far too long, and i like to think ive put a lot of that behind me.
The soft warm glow of strung up star lights dimly illuminates the room just enough for me to properly navigate without a pounding headache. The warm light coincides with the soft spoken asmr playing from my phone to create a relaxing and serene atmosphere. The sweet sensation of stripped feet underneath the cool covers only makes it harder to stay awake. When laying still in bed, i am aware of every sensation all at once. The constriction of my bra around my ribs, silently suffocating me. My jaw wired shut, teeth grinding like gears. The low whirring produced by the fans of my ancient relic computer.
6/4
good morning. it is currently 10:17, the perfect time to be alive. im sat in the classroom ive been confined to for the past few days in training, with 7 more days to go. sitting here all day has made me restless, so i sit with my feet pressed up on the seat and my knees against the table. in an attempt to hide my narcissistic predisposition and flaunt my eloquent abilities, i am trying not to start my sentences with the word i. it has proven to be a challenge, as i like to write about the things i do during the day, but good writers are able to show rather than tell. id like to believe that high school me is in there somewhere. Back in school, we wrote plenty of essay assignments, but I would always push them off. Despite my inability to turn things in on time, I was a decent writer. Just simply a bad student. There are essays i regret writing in school, but nothing can be done of that now. i can only grow. it is unfortunate to be typing on my phone, in a selfish way i worry that those around me may assume i am trivially texting rather than working on my niche blog that they aren’t cool enough to understand. if you couldnt tell i am mocking myself. i had something i wanted to say, but it seems to have slipped my mind. hopefully it comes back so that i am not haunted by what could have been.
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6/3
i will be posting these two entries together, because i did not finish last nights writing session due to the deep hole of devastation i had dug myself into. today i am feeling better, as i woke up at 6:30, got myself ready for work, packed my lunch, and left the house by 7:30. i am currently on my lunch break and it is my second day of training. it is going well. i am learning a lot and i find it truly interesting. im sat at a table in an empty break room, eating my soup while Everyone Knows by slowdive blasts in my ears. i needed a little bit of destimulation for a bit. but i have less than five minutes left. i started writing too late, but no matter. i will try again later as well. i completed todays wordle in three attempts.
audio
peers
admin.
i nailed it.
my soup tasted divine. it is something i now know how to cook. and i shall again.
–
I’ve written off many aspirational opportunities in desire of the unattainable conquest. My broken mind weans from a dark and sullied road. Soberly, i trudge new trails through the thick bush. Time and again, the foliage is pressed into the dirt under big boulderous boots. I am not ready to travel this path to the end, but when the time comes, it will be effortless and swift. It will be clear and it will be trim. These pathways are mine to navigate, and mine alone until i reach my destination.
6/2
it is midnight, so technically, this entry is for the second of june. i cannot believe it is already june. my shoulders and back are sore for whatever reason. ive had over a week off of work now and i worry i wont get up on time tomorrow. ive got a little over six hours until my first alarm goes off, so i guess i better try to go sleep. i will write later
—
I had my first day of training today. It was wonderful. I learned so much. We talked about a lot of things that could even help me with my own mental health journey. They mentioned that during tms treatments, patients write about their gratitude in a journal. So i am choosing to do the same. My gratitude journal will be my blog however.
What am i grateful for? A lot of the times i wonder if there is even anything i have to be grateful for. Id like to think im grateful for my family, but they aren’t always the most supportive. And they are the source of some of my negative feelings. But im grateful for when they are loving and helpful. I am grateful for my abilities. I may not be the best at anything, but i am good at a lot of things.
6/1
Ive learned to let my hair take control. Let it dry the way it pleases, enjoying myself the way i am. This hasnt always been the case.
It seems quite obvious; or perhaps you never even noticed, but i am a canine enthusiast. This is not limited to dogs, however they seem to be my favorite. I collect figurines, stuffed animals, dog printed tote bags from tj max, and even toys. They bring me joy, particularly those that are reminiscent of my childhood. My collection of littlest pet shop and webkinz poodles are very dear to me. They remind me of cherished memories of when i was undoubtably happy. It is common for children to have difficulty falling asleep on christmas eve night. How could you when there are so many exciting things to come. I recall one particular year, when me and my sister shared a twin sized bunk bed, with her on the top bunk. In the early hours of the morning i had woken up to go to the bathroom. Naturally i was restless in anticipation. i had groggily dragged myself out of bed and to our shared bathroom across the hall, still half asleep. By the time i had finished, i was more alert, and promptly returned to my bottom bunk to go back to sleep, as there were many presents that needed to be opened in the morning. But upon my return, i had noticed something there that i hadnt before. A little baby blue deer with silver hooves, perched on the ladder of our bunk bed, directly in sight of my pillow. A little blue webkinz. How had i not seen that when i got up? It had to have been placed there while i was using the bathroom; i had convinced myself that santa had left it for me. Swiftly grabbing the plushie, i crawled back into bed with a grin on my face. This only made it harder to fall back asleep. Only a few years later i found out santa clause wasn’t real, thanks to an easy bake oven my sisters received from santa. only i had spotted it in the trunk of my parents car a month prior. I put the pieces together quickly.
I don’t remember too much of my childhood. A lot of my memories growing up are blurry, or in third person for some reason which makes absolutely no sense. I wish i had better memories. i dont understand the significance of the ones i do recall.
I remember crushing on a boy who was new to my school in the fifth grade. He was blonde and he played basketball. He was friends with my neighbor, and i thought he was the greatest thing ever. I cant remember if we were in the same class that year, but i do remember learning about inertia and doing long division. At recess we would play girls vs boys basketball games. I was so amazed when he showed off he could do a reverse layup. I had felt envious, and behind.
I hope that when i finally get there, my therapist will appreciate my blog. I hope she will tell me it is a healthy coping stratedgy, and that it will help me make progress.
I told myself i would blog daily, but i dont know. Some days i simply dont do much. Yesterday and today are great examples of that. Yesterday i was in a funk, i was miserable. I left my house once to get a smoothie and fill up my gas tank. And today i went to the mall to buy some shoes for my new job. I spent 130$. And i still need to pay rent, which unfortunately will be coming out of my savings account.
I dont like to think about money. I am lacking in that department. I dont know how i am supposed to ever live alone. One of my favorite pastimes is to look at rentals on facebook marketplace and redfin. My mind is plagued by the thought of never having a significant other to live with. Or even a friend. I would like to live alone, but i am financially unable to. One of my sisters that i live with is probably getting engaged here pretty soon, and consequently will move out. I do not know what i am supposed to do with that information. It stresses me out. It means i have to live alone with my 34 year old sister whom i cannot stand most of the time. And we will have to move. We wont be able to afford to live here. At least i wont be able to.
This is why i stress. I think id like to become a tattoo artist, but i question whether i could do well enough at it. I dont even try. I need to create a portfolio, yet i cannot make myself draw. I tell myself i will, but by the end of the day the page is blank and i have ultimately made no progress.
I do not wish to excuse my behavior using my neurodivergence, however i just cannot go on like this anymore. I do not know how to function properly. I have lost all motivation, even for the things i enjoy. I dont know why i do anything anymore. Hopefully, tms treatments from my new job should help me to feel better, and function better too. I start my new job tomorrow. I am not necessarily nervous, i know i can do it, but i am naturally an anxious person. Starting something new is never easy. At least i will be able to start therapy once i acquire that sweet sweet health insurance. Friday night i messaged a therapy clinic, so hopefully i hear back this next week. I want for my life to turn around.
God i just have to say it. I am undeniably lonely. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to hang out with. So instead i stalk people on the interent who i think look like they have their shit together. I think my entire love life has been out of envy. Wrongfully, my brain thinks that they will complete me. Provide me something i dont have, but long for.
I am wrapping up for now, as im going to attempt to put my clean clothes away, and then draw. Perhaps. We will try our best.
5/30
i regret to inform you i have foolishly left my laptop at home. so in an attempt to enjoy my endeavor here at this random park, i will be blogging from my phone today. the service here is good. my legs are getting plenty of sun, as im laying partially under the comfortable shade of a scraggly little tree. its actually a decent size for a utah tree. i am pleasantly surprised by the amount of trees at this park. i feel bad. i just flung a cankerworm off of my leg, thinking it was just a piece of grass. my apologies tiny little green worm thing. i had to google what it was. its actually a caterpillar but its called a cankerworm. interesting.(EDIT:upon further inspection, it is just a common inchworm. i guess they are the same thing) most of the people who were here when i arrived have gone, probably off to go about their days indoors. the heat is only enjoyable for a little while, until the sweat starts to drip into your iced coffee. mila is the sweetest little dog. except when we play fetch. she never brings it back to me, but instead she carries it just out of my reach and lays down with it, taunting me, forcing me to chase after her. other than that she is perfect. except when she bites little kids. and doesnt listen. but that’s besides the point. i dont want to necessarily tan this summer. so i am laying in the shade instead. its quite enjoyable. i was ill prepared today, my speaker died on me and i forgot my headphones and laptop. next time ill know better. though next time i come, i wont have mila with me.
i have never been to this park before. i initially took mila to a different park, one i have passed plenty of times. but it was too small and too crowded. i didnt want to be watched and surrounded by a bunch of strangers. this park is much larger, and much more peaceful. plenty of space to play with mila, while keeping our distance from others. however the spot im at attracts quite a few bugs. i dont like bugs. nonetheless, i prefer this to my backyard, which happens to back up to a large swampy field, where frogs croak loudly all night. we get a lot of pill bugs on our back porch as well. i am not a fan. did i mention my dog is perfect? yes i know. i wish i could keep her here with me, but i dont have the time nor the money to give her what she needs and what she deserves. plus she would miss auggie, my parents other dog. i think ill go buy a hammock, probably from costco, so that the next time i come i can perch myself between two full trees with my laptop and write about my day.
i told myself i was going to work on some drawings while i was here, but all ive done is take selfies, play with mila, and write. i want to work on some flash sheets for a tattoo portfolio, as lately i am realizing all the things i want out of life require more money. ive known this. i just need to make it happen.
julie is playing in salt lake city this august. i bought a ticket. when they announced it i freaked. not solely because of julie– i saw them about the same time last year— but because lowertown is opening for them. my favorite band, that i missed on their headline tour because they hate utah apparently. i am listening to them right now in fact, maybe they will be the first band i cover on my music blog, which i have yet to start.
im so sick of dating apps but for whatever reason i had a sex dream last night. i was also a murderer in said dream but thats not really essential for the point i am making. my point is, i would like to be able to have casual sex, but i know myself enough to be fully aware that i cannot do casual. i am someone who wants commitment. i cannot seem to find a man however who feels the same. they all seem to want casual. oh well. i guess i dont need that in my life right now. i have bigger things to focus on right now. like a career. my mental health. and my physical health.
oh faye webster the woman that you are.
—
I have my laptop this time. I am amazed by how much i wrote earlier. Impressive.
5/29
a buzzing in my ear tells me to swing
a passion that i cant seem to rediscover
your devilish charm that reels me in
she receives a guarded prognosis
fading away
is there something im missing
its easy to pretend
its easy to believe
there’s a whining at my door
a scratch that leaves no trace
its not easy to replace
paid in broken restitutions
saved in blurry memoirs
5/28 (happy birthday momma)
i would like to acknowledge that i am typing this directly on to my website. usually i type my thoughts into google docs first, then copy paste and make adjustments as needed. but we are diving straight in i guess.
today i did not do much. i feel bad for mila, my dog, as she was stuck with me doing nothing all day. i watched lilo and stitch, because it is good. and i refuse to go see the new live action remake. why we need to recreate perfectly good movies is beyond me. personally i think we need to scrap cgi altogether and go back to traditional animation. animation is just capable of so much more than cgi live action movies.
i often think about how princess and the frog was the last 2d princess movie. it makes me sad. they should make more. princess and the frog is such a good movie. i do however enjoy that my favorite princess movie—brave— is animated in 3d. it just works well. i love the music from that movie. i think i will listen to it now.
it is curious how i have become to accustomed to the train horn at night. i hardly even noticed it was there. but i miss the quiet. utah sounds very different than washington ever did. when i laid in bed at night back home, i could hear the occasional engine revving, but i was mostly greeted with the soft rustling of leaves in the wind. a white noise. how i miss those trees. i welcomed those trees. now all i hear are cars darting past on the nearby street, planes overhead, and train horns barreling through.
summer is approaching, and im learning what that looks like here. there are much more bugs here. my room gets incredibly hot, while downstairs remains cool. almost cold, even. i have to crack my window at night, significantly increasing those awful noises.
i am on the third song of the brave soundtrack, and i will turn it off once its finished. the first three are the ones i enjoy anyway.
my elbow is stiff, a feeling i have grown to despise. it is such a discomfort. i dont know why it happens. but i do know i need to see a doctor for my ongoing joint problems. knees, knuckles, elbows, wrists. yeah i feel old at 21.
i love my mom. im so happy she is here. i’ve grown closer to her since moving away from her. i miss her hugs, and i cherish the time we get to spend together. i think she is my favorite person, even tho we butt heads.
5/27
I want the one i cant have. And im convinced they want me back. But some outside force is keeping us apart. This is a delusion. Illusions i have conjured in my mind.
An elaborate scheme i’ve plotted against myself
A spark of hope ignited in a rainstorm.
A desperate grasp at a elusive straws
Inflated sense of self on high
I want the one i can’t have.
Leave me alone. I cannot do this anymore.
I open the fridge and there is nothing to eat. I close the fridge. I linger in the kitchen, hesitant to leave. I am hungry. Would you expect something tolerable will appear when you open it again? I open the door with high hopes. Nothing has changed. I close the door.
I turn my back to the refrigerator, dragging myself away. Grabbing my keys from the counter I hesitate, lingering in the doorway before
I walk away. I leave you behind.
I think ill go to the grocery store instead.
5/25
and suddenly im typing on my laptop, only the clacking of the keys and the humming of the fans to be heard. and in a moment im suddenly conscious of every mistake i’ve ever made. lyrics acquire new and profound meaning when the sun appears. new people arrive and old feelings arise. oat milk lattes and chevrolets. japanese denim and dyed hair. martial arts and sake. photographs taken more than once. turned into a different kind of love. pretentious vegetarian and screamo band. a four hour feature anniversary. i had a dream about moths once. i googled what it meant. i decided i was destined to trust my intuition. and thus i did. and i was correct. i always have been when it comes to these things. i do not trust a man to behave as he should. there were moths on my wall. a long list of moths on my wall.
what i want my art to be about
anger
im angry most of the time
about
loneliness
men
lack of creativity
lack of passion
confusion
lack of motivation
isolation
anger
rage
if i shot myself in the head i wouldnt die pretty, but its the most painless way to die. i guess even in death, beauty is pain.
scenic artillery archives
when i wasnt ok.
god when god was good___7/17/24__
click here to skip the video___3/23/24__
5/25
Today i started my period. What a miserable thing to be a women. I wont dive into my feminist ideals, but i think we can all agree periods are the worst. I took a bath to relieve my cramps as my ibuprofen kicked in; it didnt help, and neither did the ibuprofen. I laid by the floor vent in nothing but my towel as it wafted in cool air. I was dripping sweat and felt quite faint. It eventually went away, but in that moment i felt like death. I laid in bed most of the day, watching pokemon horizons.
I am no film critic. I enjoy most movies in fact, but of course some more than others. I must also say that i dont think baseball is very entertaining. So you’d be right to assume that i am more than unenthusiastic to be watching The Sandlot for movie night tonight, though i’ve never seen it.
Today i left my phone at home when i went out to the grocery store with my mom. Ive never done that before. It felt nice. Not tethered to a device that i check over and over for something to appear. I didn’t mean to. But i realized when i sat down in the drivers seat. I sighed, and decided it was okay to leave it. I need to do this in other aspects of myself.
Ive missed 10:17 by a minute. This is not the first time. I am slightly annoyed, but i think ill be alright. Its not something that would push me over the edge. Over using a word you obviously just learned pushes me over the edge.
–
a girl with a scythe
Or a long range weapon
A ruffled dress with a sniper rifle.
One of those metal fences, twisted within itself.
Fields behind your perfect little suburban house
Pictures of nothing, capture emancipation of prudence.
5/24
when did parents stop watching their children? i understand that i have no idea what it is like to be a parent, however how can you let your child act and treat you like that?
had to explain to my dad what nepotism is.
im at dinner with my family. it is always an ordeal when it comes to my family. there are a lot of us and we are loud.
not to mention, my sister’s three kids are little demons. my patience only goes so far with these children. they are glued to screens, ipad kids. but i guess so am i, as im typing this on my phone at the head of our applebees table.
5/23
Existentialism. I had to google the meaning because i am never certain of myself when it comes to definitions. I hate to be wrong. It's embarrassing and makes me feel inferior. I am not dumb. How would one go about using the word existentialism in a sentence anyway? I guess you would use the word existential, drop the ism. I'm not sure, i feel like i'm having an existential crisis. Isn’t that absurd. I attempted a metaphor, but it was very shitty so i scrapped the idea all together. Oh god why do i always try to come up with some sort of shitty metaphor, allusion, or something that i think,
“Hey maybe the people will think im deep”
I am not deep. I am only surface level. Even to myself i am nothing but a silhouette. Constantly trying to shape myself into somebody else that people will look at and think is interesting. But i am not interesting. I do not do anything exciting. I do not take risks. I cant even text a boy i think is cute on instagram because i am afraid. I dont want to be known. But i want to be seen. I am never certain of myself. I lack the confidence i see so many others possess, and i envy them. I dont want to be seen i want to be known. its such an interesting dynamic. for the most part, i am unphased by the opinions of other. what they think of me has little impact on how i chose to live my life. that being said, i have come to find i am shallow in who i choose to be insecure around. it is often around those that i think have something i want that i start to over analyze the way i act.
—
today me and my sister drove from utah to idaho. it is very beautiful, but i miss the trees that once surrounded me in washington. the sun was setting as we drove through pocatello idaho, melting into the horizon as we sang along to Hotel Room Service. i took a panorama in attempts to capture said moment, however photos never seem to do the sky justice. plus panoramas dont work in the car as well as i feel they should. currently, i am sitting in her car alone. on our way to our sister’s house we have made a stop at ****’s. this is my sister’s boyfriend who she only gets to see on the weekends. id take that over what ive got right now.
regardless, im sitting in the car alone, back in a town where i tried many new things for the first time.
its been 2 years since i last attended school here, yet it feels like hardly any time has passed at all. the progress i have made feels insignificant in relation to the amount of time that has passed. i want to go home i guess. i dont really know what that means anymore though.
i want to go home.
a phrase that ive expressed many times, in many places. even places ive considered home. i dont quite understand what i mean when i say that. it often comes out when im curled up in a ball on my bed, regretting every choice ive ever made. its 10:17. my lucky time. if you knew me at all you would know this. im very obnoxious about it. i have been taking pictures and screenshots of it for the past three years.
my sister is being sexually harassed by an online stalker yet my mother rolls her eyes and scoffs when i mention sexism
5/21
my condolences. you seem to have lost your way. i open the fridge and look for something to eat. i close the door.
i wander about the kitchen as catch the breeze by slowdive plays on the tv. i open the fridge and once again, i look inside. i close the door.
i go about my day wondering what i will eat. what will satisfy me, if anything? i open the fridge and look inside. i close the door.
there is nothing to eat here, yet i continue to wait; wait for something to appear when i open the door once again. nothing has changed. i close the door.
5/20
I’d like to start out by acknowledging the fact that in an effort to begin this digital journal, blog, or whatever you may distinguish this format of writing as, I searched the drawers of my desk for my wireless mouse. Needless to say, I found it, however I did not find it in my drawers, or anywhere else I searched. The whole time, it had been sitting there on top of my desk, mocking me as I rummaged through papers and spools of ribbon. I am not surprised that I missed it, unmoved in its very obvious place where I had seen it countless times befores. My desk is a mess, it always is, and always will be. I am often oblivious to that which is right before me. I'm sure as many of you can relate, I have searched for my phone plenty of times as I held it in my hand. This is day one, I cannot ramble on about missed opportunities and discarded memories.
Why?
Why do I want to write a strange little blog? Rhetorical questions are corny, and so is breaking the fourth wall. Unless you are Ryan Reynolds. My point remains, what is the purpose of such a dated form of articulation? I havent written in google docs properly since high school, and I was never very good even then. It has been three years since I graduated, yet I feel unchanged. I know I have made progress in my life, but has it been significant enough for me to feel a sense of fulfillment and growth? I don’t think about that much. Only a little. It’s such a silly concept to me, learning to function like a normal human being at the age of 21. But I cannot live my life like this any longer. I have dragged my body along the floor for far too long, and it is time to pick myself up and use the feet I was given. Of course when I say all of this, I am speaking of my inability to do simple everyday tasks. I cannot make myself food, I cannot brush my teeth in the morning, I cannot do the dishes, and I cannot clean my house. Rather, I can do all of these things. I have a very healthy and able body that I am very grateful for. Sometimes. It is my mind that struggles to keep up. I am incapable of reminding myself that these are things I must do, or you could say the things which I need to do. I have struggled with my mental health for far too long. It is about time I make the effort to become better.
You see, my ADHD has become a crutch that I lean on, an excuse for my bad habits. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 19 years old, a month before my 20th birthday. After that, a lot of things about myself made sense. One of the reasons why I was never so good at school, and why I struggled to pay attention during basketball practice. My brain doesn’t quite work the same as my teachers who would scold me for drawing in class as they taught, despite it helping me to better comprehend the words they spoke. I feel as though I've gone off on a tangent, but it could all tie together. I want a sense of purpose outside of the trivial thoughts that seem to corrupt my mind lately. I wont bore you too much with the details of my romantic endevors, however they seem to take up the most space in my mind and body. It is unhealthy for me. I would ultimately like an outlet; a creative space to express these thoughts that I possess. I think that taking the time to sit down at a desk each day could be rather therapeutic. Maybe it will help you get to know me, and allow me to better understand myself.
My mind won't stop racing with millions of thoughts that I could type here for all to see, but for now, I'll call it a day.
